Monday, February 8, 2010

A Monday Moment

Sometimes it seems like know one else in the world is going through difficult days like you are; and then you hear that a friends mother just passed away.  Not of old age, but of a mistake on the hospital staff's part.  She was fine; recovering nicely from a knee surgery; just sitting up in her hospital bed eating her lunch.  She swallowed some food down the wrong pipe, and started choking.  She pushed the call button, and it took 15 min before a nurse came.  By then, she was in a full code.  They never fully revived her and she remained in a coma until she passed away a few days later! 

Upon hearing this, it brought back so many memories of my own husband and his incident at the hospital, which resulted in his death 5 months later.  It doesn't take much for me to conjure up the exact feeling of helplessness and overwhelming frustration and anger that I felt.  Oh yes, I'm a Christian.  I believe that nothing happens by chance, and that all things work together for the good... no buts...

God doesn't make mistakes, but humans do.  When I remember the challenges of those long days and weary nights (150 of them) while my husband lay in a comatose state... pleading and praying for God to heal him; questioning why this happened (yes, I did), trying to comprehend and understand what the Drs were saying, trying to stay calm and stand up straight when my ship was reeling from the storms and waves that were crashing against it; and holding on with all my heart and soul to the promises in the Bible, I realize that the difficulties of today, are nothing in comparison to the 5 months of raging storms I faced 880 days ago.  My husbands battles are done.  My friends mom is at rest with her heavenly Father, and we are still here.  Satan is still waging war against us; we still go to bed alone; we still tell our grandchildren that they will see their grandmother and grandfather one day- but not today. 

When I think of my mom, I pray fervently that the Lord will be gracious and let her stay with us until the Rapture.  She is so precious to each of my family members, and to think of this Earth without her on it, is something I'd rather not do.  She is someone I've grown closer to as I've gotten older.  We weren't what I'd consider "close" when I was a young girl/teen.  I loved her, and I knew she loved me, but I guess I just wasn't really paying attention to anyone else during that time.  I took so much for granted.  She was an amazing mom, and sometimes I just became distracted with my own "issues" and wasn't paying attention.  After marrying, and having children of my own, I started becoming more aware of her, and all she had done.  I still didn't have alot of intimate/close times with her during my married life (but that's another story)... but after losing Josh the way I did, I realized that life is too short and fragile, and it can change in the blink of an eye.  I didn't want to have any regrets (especially because I was too busy to spend time together), so I just decided I was going to step out of my "comfort zone" and do the little things... call more often; stop by and visit; go to lunch or breakfast; take the kids and grandbabies over to visit her, open up to her more about things that I've held inside, be honest and forthright, say I love you and I'm sorry, be genuine.  I'm so happy now to say that mom and I are very close... and she's amazing. 

I always said if I look half as good as she does when I get to be her age, I will be one happy woman.  She can work circles around me and looks gorgeous doing it.  Its those good Norwegian genes.

She was the one who helped me when I struggled through the decision of whether or not to put Josh in Hospice or not.  I felt like I was giving up and losing faith that the Lord could heal him; but mom told me that location was not an issue with God, and He could heal Josh no matter where he was at.  She told me the story of Lazerus!  God bless you mom...  That helped me be able to make that decision. 

Tonight this blog is just thoughts about those who've gone on, and those who remain in my life.  Tomorrow will celebrate 2 yrs since the Lord asked Josh to come live with Him in heaven.  730 days...  Sometimes it feels like 5 years; and other times it feels like 5 days.  Tonight, I feel the weight of pressure and fear that I felt that night 2 yrs ago, of just waiting for the phone to ring!  Wondering if it would be today or tomorrow... Its hard to explain.  I was fearful of the unknown... being left alone... thinking about Josh and how crossing over Jordan must have been like... and the constant regret that I barely made it their on time to see him before he passed.  The thought of him being alone in that room all night struggling between life and death, and not having anyone with him on this side to hold his hand and say goodbye to, as he was crossing over to the other side where loved ones were just waiting to welcome him.  The final battle...and I only came at the last 3 or 4 minutes.  I pray he wasn't afraid... I pray he heard me and Zac as we rushed in and grabbed his hands and leaned over him and kissed him, and told him how much we loved him.  The only assurrance I have that he did, was when I looked down on his face, there were tears streaming down from his eyes. 

There was such a peace in the room... I was no longer afraid, and no longer stressed; I sat their with him, held his hand and started singing.  All I could think about was "Josh can see now!"  He had perfect vision; a perfectly healthy body; no more sickness; no more pain...  I was so happy for him that I couldn't possibly be angy or frustrated any longer.  Sad, lonely?  Oh yes, that would all come... in waves at first, then trickles, then more waves, and more ripples... depending what was happening, I would miss him more or less (but always)...  the 1st birthday of our grandson; the birth of our granddaughter; sitting in church (since so much of our life centered around church); listening to certain types of music; Mexican Food; watching my kids grow and mature into adults with families and careers; watching their hearts be turned towards the Lord, and seeing the prayers of a father and mother come to fruition; so many things that brings the "missing" into focus a little more.  Learning to live as a widow; working; paying the bills; taking care of the car; dealing with being sick and not having anyone to take care of you; the emptiness of the house and the bed; no one to curl up with and talk about your day; no one to tell your hopes and dreams to; no one to say I love you to (blood family doesn't count- they HAVE to love you)...  just so many things to readjust to...  but the Lord is helping me to do just that.  Little by little, in every way, I'm getting stronger and stronger...

So tomorrow??  Yes, you will come, and I will remember... but not with sadness in my heart this time, but with a sense of a new journey; a turning of a corner; a sense of expectancy and eagerness for what God has for me and my little family.  Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to, but it always turns out just the way God wants it to.

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