Thursday, September 8, 2011

Remembering September 7th

Going by the title of this particular blog, you'll wonder to yourself that I may have made a mistake, since today is really September 8th. Trust me on this one, I know what I'm doing - at least for today. Most people are thinking that I should be remembering September 11th, and I do remember it, with clear and present clarity. This post however, is about another eventful, life changing day in my life which I experienced 4 years ago on a beautiful September 7th morning. I'm not going to go through the details of that day with you, because honestly the only people reading my blog is family and friends, and you all know what happened that day, and don't really need to relive it.

My main reason for always pausing and remembering, is to never forget that its "moments" in our lives that happen for no apparent reason, that change the course of our lives for better or worse. It is what some may call a juncture or cross road in life, where your faith and courage is tested in ways you can't even imagine. My "moment" is simply that. Each of us have had them, and many have been worse than what I went through. The Bible speaks of a Christians faith being tried in the fire, and being tested and molded until only Christ is seen being reflected in our lives. Sept 7th was the beginning of a long and challenging battle. It was the first time I truly wanted something immediate and tangible from Lord. I begged, cried, made promises, quoted scriptures out loud over and over, and dug deep for every ounce of faith possible, and for the next 5 months had hopes raised, then dashed, then raised again, only to have the ultimate answer be "no". It took me a long time to realize that sometimes the answer to our prayers and desires and questions is either silence or no.

I am not a spoiled child, nor am I a spoiled Christian believer. My parents didn't give me everything I asked for, nor does God. In my mind I knew that, but when your husband is lying in a coma, the natural thing to do is to ask the One Who created you, and watched over you all your life, and Who heals the sick and raises the dead, to make your husband well. I believed, and trusted, and didn't doubt it for a minute for 5 months, that He was more than able to turn this trial into a blessing - a miraculous one, with a great story to tell others... but He didn't raise him up. 5 months later, my husband passed from this life to the his new life.

Why would a God that CAN heal, choose not to? Sounds like a simple question, right? Well, the answer to that took a long time to move from just understanding that God has a His own reasons for allowing some to die and allowing others to have miraculous healing's. My husband, and myself, have both had times when we were sick or wounded and God healed us. Sometimes miraculously, and sometimes over a period of time. But on February 9th 2007, God decided that it was time for Josh to take his last breath here, and take his first breath their. For some reason He saw fit that I should be a widow, and my two children should be fatherless. For some reason, He believed that our grandchildren didn't need a grandfather, and that I would have to work to support myself, and that I should pump my own gas, and sleep alone for the rest of my life. For some reason, He felt I should eat my meals alone, and that I didn't need anyone to rub my back, or give me a kiss or hold me or say I love you to. For some reason, He felt that it was time for me to sit on the church pew without him, or read my books to myself, and that I didn't need anyone to talk to in the evenings about my day. Yes, for some reason, God said no.

Four years down the road, and I'm not going to lie and say I now understand. I don't. But I love God, and I trust Him to know what's best for me. He sees the big picture, and Jeremiah 29:11 and Jeremiah 31:3 is still true today. That is how I get through each day.

The writings of Max Lucado (a Christian inspirational writer) has helped me in many ways on this journey. Here is one of his devotions that clearly states where my heart is today, four years later.

“God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them.” Luke 18:7

When we come to God, we make requests; we don’t make demands. We come with high hopes and a humble heart. We state what we want, but we pray for what is right. And if God gives us the prison of Rome instead of the mission of Spain, we accept it because we know “God will always give what is right to his people.”

We go to him. We bow before him, and we trust in him.

P.S. Each year that goes by, I'm growing closer to Jesus, and I realize that we won't always understand His ways on this side; and that's ok. As a Christian, I have a blessed promise that I will see my husband Joshua again, and we will never have to say goodbye again.

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