Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Pondering Family, Fear and the Future

It's been awhile since I've updated everyone on what's up with the family. First and foremost, everyone is healthy. The weather is doing its "changes" thing; cool at night and in the morning, and warm in the afternoon. One day can be 75 and the next it could be 95. What this means, is simply that everyone is feeling the sniffles and scratchy throats. So stock up on the Vitamin C and lots of Echinacea. Get plenty of sleep and drink lots of fluid! Starting with Zachary, he's working as a waiter at Chompies, a wonderful New York Style restaurant with a nice Kosher flair. They are giving him lots of hours and he's doing good. His ultimate goal is to get in the kitchen and start cooking, but he's biding his time and putting in the hours. His time will come. He's thoroughly enjoying being papa bear to little Madison Raine. She's 9 months old and brings pure joy to her mommy and daddy. Marcy is working hard at her job, and runs that office like a drill seargent. Just kidding... But they love her their, and really depend on her to keep things running smoothly. Her birthday is tomorrow, and I wish her a very happy birthday. She is a wonderful mother and adores Zachary. What more could I ask for? Montana and Hunter are digging in deep in their school work and doing very well. They are good kids. 'Tana made Honor Roll both semesters last year, and we look forward to good things again this year. They are enjoying their house, and look forward to grass and trees in their backyard this winter so they can enjoy it during the Spring and Summer of next year.

Zoe is expecting another little one in March! We are all very excited about the newest addition. Her and Jason have decided they don't want to find out what the sex will be this time. They want to be surprised! So... it will be neutral colored clothes that I will be shopping for. Yuri will be 4 years old on the 29th of October, and Sophia will be 2 in December. They are growing like weeds. Yuri is excited about starting school next year...learning his letters, numbers, colors, and how to write his name! Wow... what does that leave the teachers to teach? Zoe is an amazing mom and does so well with the kids. We still get together for our weekly breakfasts, however, I will say that we kind of slowed down during the Summer. It was sooo hot, and with all my back issues, it just didn't work out for us to meet that often. Now that its cooling down, we are both getting anxious to try some new places here in the Valley. We love finding little hidden gems for breakfast. It's also nice when Zach and Marcy can join us. We all have a great time making memories and eating lots of food.

I'm doing better. Each day my back is getting stronger. I'm learning to walk more, excercise frequently, and allow others to carry the big bags up the stairs! It's not easy for me, since I'm use to doing things on my own, but I've learned that I am better for it when I occasionally ask for help. I finally got released to go back to work part time. I just completed day 3, and my back is sore after 3 hrs of work. Thank goodness I'm only working 4 hrs a day! I am just having to get use to the fact that its going to take me awhile to get back into the swing of things, and to just be patient. I have physical therapy 3 days a week for a while also, which is kicking me in the "you know what".... Wow, I'm so out of shape, its not even funny. Well, maybe a little funny. I have to admit though, I do feel better about myself now that I'm back at work. Its a crazy thing about being back in the workforce around people you've worked with for 13 yrs. They make me feel good about myself. They pat me on the shoulder and give me hugs and tell me how much they missed me and appreciate me. It may seem like a little thing, but to me, its exactly what I needed. Since Josh has been gone, I don't get too many hugs, pats, smiles, or told "hey thanks for that"... You don't realize that you miss it until its gone. Josh wasn't even a big complimentary person, but even what he did give, was better than their not being anything. I don't always miss those kinds of things, but occasionally it hits me, and it hurts, I hurt. I miss being needed and appreciated. There, I said it. My kids are amazing, and they hug me and tell me all the time how much they love me (we've always been like that), but for some reason, its not the same. Being off work for 5 months really put me in a funk. I won't say depression, but I will admit it started making me feel and act like a recluse! Why clean my house? Why wash my hair? Why get dressed up? and on and on and on... I wonder what Josh would have thought about my actions if he had been here... Oh, I forgot, he couldn't even see out of one eye! Oh yes, we were quite a team; I couldn't hear, and he couldn't see. Somehow we filled in the gaps though. Geez, I guess I'm missing Josh a lot tonight. I found myself in the bathroom crying tonight because I wished he were here to talk to, and rub my aching back, and tell me that all of these issues and concerns and worries that I have will all be ok... So, I had a good cry. I wonder if its just starting to get to me that I'm alone, and Josh is not on a long trip somewhere. I wanted him to be able to enjoy his kids as adults and have his grandchildren running around his feet and I wanted to hear him tell them stories and watch him bounce them on his knee... It just seems so unfair. Sometimes I think I just can't do this on my own anymore. I'm not good at it. And then I remember that I'm not alone. I have two of the best kids, EVER, and 3 of the sweetest grandchildren and a new one that is growing into a healthy, happy little person; and I have a soon-to-be daughter-in-law who really likes me, and two soon-to-be grandchildren (Montana and Hunter) who think I'm pretty cool, and an amazing mom who loves me inspite of all my weaknesses and flaws, a brother who is smart and sophisticated, yet funny and good-hearted, and a sister who is beautiful and talented, kind of ditzy (in a good way) and has a big heart filled with lots of love; and a few close friends and lots of wonderful acquaintances; a good job, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, clothes in my closet and shoes on my feet; a car that has 105 thousand miles on it, yet still runs like a champ; my degree that I'm one more class closer to finishing; and on top of all that, I have an amazing God that knows me through and through, inside and out, and yet He still chose to save me from myself and remind me daily that His arms are big enough to hold me when I'm afraid, take my hand when I feel like I'm walking through fog, whisper sweet words into my ears when I'm lonely, and reminds me that He's working on a mansion with my name on it, and that it will all be worth it one day. After thinking about that, who could be down for long? So as for me and my house... We are all better than ok. No matter how the storms are raging on the outside; inside, we're all tucked safe and secure in one thing: Love for God and love for each other! We love each other, and that love is what's going to get us through. We stick together. We may be few, but together, we are strong.

To my family; the ones still with us, and the ones who've gone before us!


  1. This was great to read - I'm so sorry you're missing Josh so much right now - but thank you for your honest words. God is still good. (((hugs)))

    1. Thank you Rachel, you are a dear friend.

  2. You have a cousin in Georgia who loves you very much, too! We may be far, far apart, but I think about you everyday, and always remember how nice you always were to me when I was little. I hate that we don't see each other often enough as adults, but I know we would have fun together! You are great, and greatly loved.